Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.
its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
He bought a sex swing! He's building the playground of my dreams!!!!
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
Randomize
