you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I booty texted him nothing but three exclamation points at 3:05am and he was in my bed 17 minutes later, lest you think punctuation is not important.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
where are my eyebrows?
Lately I've been very attracted to Kevin Jonas because he's like...less hot than Joe, but he's this healthy mix of both Joe and Nick. It looks like he's finally growing into himself.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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