Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
your life is going to be an empowering working mom montage tomorrow to Katy P's ROAR... --are you living in a yoplaít comercial?
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
