then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
If I don't get my shit together, I'm going to be one of those really fucked up cases on 1000 ways to die
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
Can we get pizza? This is seriously not a booty call. I just really want someone to get pizza with me.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
So I realize somewhere between mildly irritated and outright belligerently pissed is where you are, but as to location, where are you?
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
That's true. Ask me when I'm not fucked up. Nvm hold on. Btw. Wikipedia dinosaur. It's fascinating
Randomize
