based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
I'm on page 4.
Im on beer infinity
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
i love waking up at 5am with an imprint of a toilet seat on my chest
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I can't relate, I like my boobs roaming free like a wild animal, and I occasionally let them devour small children
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
She told me I should be proud of my dick pics, then told me she was in love with me, then I dropped her off at her boyfriend's. I was a new kind of failure tonight.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Crawl out into the sunshine and off your vibrator for 7 minutes
Randomize
