just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
all i seem to do anymore is lay around stoned, naked and eating mangoes
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
