so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Dear god my vagina.
I swear to god, if you ever yell my name during sex with my sister again..your balls will be stapled to your nipples.
Randomize
