one word: firstdatebathroomanal
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
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i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
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