You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
Please don't pee your pants in the cab. One more time, and im pretty sure the cab companies will refuse to pick you up anymore
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Randomize
