i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
Randomize
