Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I wish I knew the extent of my injuries before I climbed over the fence. Might have avoided the need to purchase a cupholder for my wheelchair.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
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