im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
He punched me in the face while giving him road head, because he was driving stick. I shit you not.
Randomize
