I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
This guy is walking around with a deer head on. Honestly what the fuck
I promised him we could have sex if he would let me take him to the hospital to get stitches.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ ðŸ‘ðŸ¼
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
