Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
are you going to last longer than 15 seconds
nope
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity
She wanted me to watch her masterbate and after she thanked me for a wonderful evening and left. This state is weird.
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I just deff did the walk of shame.. His roommate/manager woke us up. A dog scared me on my stumble to the car.
This is why I'm single.
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