just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
I sprayed his whole room with my perfume and left lots of my hair on the bed. So now if he does bring her home, the bitch will know this territory is marked.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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