so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard
No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
Hey do u remember the time we used my mascara wand as a drink stirer?
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