You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
My walk of shame turned into having to get his dad to tow my best friends car out of the snowbank in his driveway
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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