Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.
I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
She's still mad at me for saying she looked pregnant and not getting her chicken nuggets.
I have rug burns on my nipples. Thanks for being an awesome wing girl.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
Randomize
