So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
No fireworks. Throwing the old microwave off the deck.
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
New hot neighbor boys moving in across from us...So i did the logical thing and bought two 30 packs up the hill and walked right by em. Consider the line hooked and ready to reel.
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
We smoked before the sunrise hike. I ended up eating a banana and singing Circle of Life as the sun rose over the horizon.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Randomize
