there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
She got engaged last night. I don't think you should ask her out man.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
