I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
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