I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
you knoww youre high when you are just as concerned as the contestants on ultimate cake off as they move their 250 lbs cake over the ramp
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Woke up the next morning in an 8 year old's bedroom. Saw my bra swinging from the spiderman ceiling fan and decided it would be best to dip out w/o it.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
Grandpa just put 6 jello shots on his plate. My aunt tried to take them away; he flipped her off. Living in the retirement home has hardened him.
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
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