but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Xanax and an ambien. And wine. I'm just waiting for mouth to mouth from some hot EMT. Sort of like the slutty girls version of sleeping beauty
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
He was out clubbing with his SON. WHY did you let me KISS HIM? Also WHERE WAS HIS SON?!
Randomize
