I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
You said your legs stopped working and then pulled yourself around the floor with your hands.
That explains the wood chips stuck in my nipples.
Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
When I got home he was in his underpants on the couch, eating pop tarts and crying while watching Voltron.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
The Olympian is in my bed
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