Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I feel like a monkey keeps fucking me in the ear with a trombone as a dick.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Well my unnaturally hairy chest finally came in handy. It took at least an hour to shave the american flag into my chest but I definitely went America all over that party
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Randomize
