Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis
Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
it was like where's waldo, only the stakes were much higher.
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Her pegging playlist is all heavy metal so stay away if you wanna keep your ass intact
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