i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one
Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...
do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.
Four minutes until I can fart!
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
i had to take off my light up shamrock necklaces, my professor was getting suspicious.
Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.
A guy wearing a shirt that says "eat shit and die motherfucker" just held open a door for me. He's got manners.
You texted me a picture of your face along with #help
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.
Alternately I could tell him western classical is just a series of events that had to happen for music to reach the point where Beyoncé was able to pen drunk in love, which is the pinnacle of humanity's artistic achievement thus far
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
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