she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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