i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I have to masturbate tonight while watching every Paul Walker movie ever made. It's what he would have wanted. RIP Paul.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
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