so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
mimosa in my stainless steel water bottle. going green is not that bad.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Apparently I took one a huge picture off the wall at the bar and was walking around dancing with it..
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
She started waving a nerf rifle around and demanding free booze.
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
Randomize
