The last thing I remeber was convincing you to hide in the fridge, and then taking everything out and you not fitting.
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
It is a special kind of bonus when you find money you hid from yourself when you were drunk in the tampon box. What did we do last period?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
Randomize
