it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
I found myself looking up beard accounts while masturbating, I guess that's what it's come to.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
