I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
If your dick isn't up when i get home you're catching tonight.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
I have to date her. We need a place to stay when we go tailgating.
MASS TEXT: Lets start a new tradition. Black Friday log pic contest. I'm waiting.
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
