the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I've spent more money on drugs for bonnaroo than my actual ticket. Proudly.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
this party is nice, but i have to go home and cry over anime in order to fill my daily quota of suffering
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
Randomize
