I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Oh and yeah that does count as public urination.
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
Randomize
