My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
Go have fun. I'm gonna go shower off the regret.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
Randomize
