phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
Oh I woke up in my neighbors garage using one of their sleeping bags, as my neighbor was doing laundry in there.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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