shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
she pooed on me. she actually pooed on me.
I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
How many times do I have to drunk reject you for our friendship to become awkward? Cause were at 9 as of last night
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
No. I heard a cover of "my heart will go on". This is not sanity.
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Man. Apparently I blacked out between the 4th margarita and my air mattress. Asleep in my jeans at 10pm. Mom outdrank me again.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
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