well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
Drank beer out of a hotwheels bucket all night
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
Randomize
