Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
I have to keep checking she's breathing. This is why we don't drink on Sundays
The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
Rarely does a man I fucked with upgrade from me
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
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