tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
you're the one who masterbates every night to the titanic soundtrack
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Im already sauced. Have been for hours. Its kinda my thing.
tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
i think i just lost a toe
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Randomize
