As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
dude, I felt like being high in a Santa hat and eating five boxes of cookies was right for today.
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
