I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
I spit up blood this morning
That's vegas.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Semen is not good for contacts.
I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.
I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
Randomize
