dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
I'm pretty sure I asked his brother if he was gay while drunkenly falling to the ground.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?