I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
I walked over and you were apologizing to him because you're lady gaga and he's not. The best part was that he forgave you.
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