How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Remind me to switch to jello when you decide to do shots off my ass. It's so much easier to clean than this pudding.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
Randomize
