There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
He started doing the gator chop at my vag and said he couldn't wait to "chomp" on it later...and I still slept with him. I hate gainesville.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
She's too awesome to dump: she gives me great blow jobs and free Popeyes. You just don't burn a bridge like that.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize
