K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
We have so much sex to catch up on
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
