shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
my mom heard me say 'don't squirt that at me' while me & him were in my room. She then decided to call my aunt and complain to her that she has the sluttiest daughter in town. she refused to believe me when i told her i was talking about gel.
I'm with your mom on this one.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
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