I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
I just watched a woman break three wood planks with her boobs. I don't know how I feel about that
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
Sometime between a drunk guy asking me if I'm a Beach person or a lake person WHILE HIS HAND WAS IN HIS FUCKING PANTS or breaking up a lady fight over peewee football league I started to reevaluate my life and self
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
Randomize
