We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
My fucking roommate unpluged my alarm; I pissed on his clean clothes.
MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Tell him I thought his Superman stand on your bed and cum all over your back was quite funny
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
