My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Randomize
