when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
I decided that just having that story under my belt and being able to tell it to my grandchildren is worth the regrets of the evening.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I feel like I should throw some tampons around my workspace so everyone will know what's really going on
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
