You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Just set a new record on Need For Speed at the arcade. Had to enter Tiger Woods as the name.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Oh boy. Send him a care package with laxative cookies and alcohol. So he can shit himself while he's passed out drunk.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
Randomize
