Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to
You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I need a burrito and a hug.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
