Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
After a crazy night, morning sex is just trying to find a position where you can thrust without getting seasick.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Someone called asking about the gate code and I said "hashtag" for # instead of "pound." Ugh. I feel so dirty.
She was here for a threesome... She doesn't have to put the new roll of toilet paper on the dispenser. She can leave the new roll wherever she wants!
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