btw.sex in the wood isnt as romantic as it seems.heels kept sinking in the dirt and pine needles were sticking to the fishnets
i wish i had your life
he just said he'd buy the porn
its a step up from the last guy
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
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During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
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The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
We set around a table in a hotel room and he spoon fed Molly to everyone there... I felt sketch for sec but then... Oh well.
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.