I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
I didn't know that people actually queef. Is this a real thing?
I believe so, yes.
Would you be offended if I asked if it has happened to you?
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
they duct taped my keg cup to my hand with my sister's phone number on it. I should be ok tonight.
I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me
We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
